I'm Glad You're Still Here
by swimmerKim
Summary: Prompt from Tumblr: "Beca finds a suicide note that Aubrey wrote a year earlier and gets really scared and confronts her." WARNING: Attempted Suicide. Emotional Abuse.


Beca let out a frustrated sigh as she continued to dig through her girlfriend's top drawer for a t-shirt but had yet to find one. The brunette's shirt had been ripped off when an extremely horny Aubrey tried to rip Beca's shirt over her head but the blonde's strong hands were too much for the thin cotton shirt. The brunette had a shift at the station in 15 minutes and didn't want to wake her girlfriend up because she couldn't remember where Aubrey kept her t-shirts.

Just as Beca was about to move to move on to the next drawer, her hand came in contact with something that felt a lot like paper. The DJ frowned and pulled the paper material out and saw that it was an envelope with "To whoever cares" written on it. These words were enough to worry Beca into opening the envelope, ignoring the couple she and Aubrey had made when they started dating to always respect each other's space.

Inside the envelope were a few pieces of paper tri-folded. The first page started, "To whoever is reading this, I just want you to know that what happened is not your fault." The brunette's heart started racing in fear as she realized this was a suicide note. The blonde had written something to everyone she cared about. Beca didn't read what Aubrey wrote to each person, because it was none of her business what Aubrey wrote to each person. As she continued flipping through the pages, Beca couldn't help but feel hurt that not only had her girlfriend not bothered to tell her how depressed she had been feeling, but that she hadn't been included in the list of people Aubrey thought cared the most.

When she flipped to the final page, Beca found that it had been dedicated to the Bellas. Again, the brunette skipped through everything not meant for her and looked until she found her name at the very bottom. "_Beca- I know we've fought all year and you probably think I'm a stuck up, condescending bitch. But I think you're so talented. You have a beautiful voice and such an ear for music. I wasn't rejecting your ideas because they were bad or I couldn't change the set list. I felt like I wouldn't really redeem myself from last year unless I got to Finals and won with the same set list. I realize now how stupid that was and wish I could be around to see what you do in the future, not just for the Bellas, but for the music industry in general."_

Beca was wide eyed at what she had just read. Aubrey Posen, the most confident, proud, and sure of herself person Beca had ever known had been so close to suicide that she had written a suicide letter. By the context, the brunette had been able to tell that the letter was over a year old, but this didn't immediately put the DJ's mind at ease. Beca walked over to her sleeping girlfriend and softly shook her girlfriend awake, "Bree wake up. I have to talk to you about something."

A sleepy Aubrey stirred a little while trying to swat Beca away. "It's Saturday morning and I wanna sleep. Can it wait until after your shift at the radio station?"

"No Aubrey, I can't wait until after my shift to talk to you about the suicide note that you wrote."

The blonde's eyes shot open and locked with Beca's that were swimming with concern. Aubrey sat up and grabbed her girlfriend's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Beca, I'm so sorry that you found that. I knew I should have moved it when you started spending the night. I'm not sure how much or how little you've read but I'm going to start from the beginning so you know exactly what's going on, ok?"

Beca nodded and Aubrey continued after taking a deep breath. "I've always been a disappointment to my father. It started at birth when I was born a girl and not a boy. I tried to make him proud by excelling in sports, music, and school. My mother would always do her best to praise me for my achievements and console me when I failed. But eventually I stopped noticing her acknowledgements because it wasn't the approval I was looking for. My father always undermined my accomplishments and would criticize every aspect of anything I ever did wrong. Teachers always noticed that I was high strung but assumed that it was just how I was by nature. Senior year of high school I finally came out. It wasn't so much that he has a problem with homosexuality, it was the fact that he would never even have a son in law. But that wasn't the most I disappointed him that year. I got into most of the Ivy League schools, but instead of picking one of them I chose Barden. He told me I had finally done something that made him proud and I blew it on a relationship that wouldn't last. He was right that the relationship didn't last, but I always secretly loved Barden way more than I knew I could ever love any of those Ivy League schools so I didn't care. I joined the Bellas freshmen year along with the debate team and club soccer and kept my grades at the expected 4.0, but all my dad ever focused on was the fact that I was doing all of things at Barden and not Harvard or Dartmouth. He especially didn't like that I was in the Bellas because it was nothing but a time waster in his eyes. As you know, we made it to the Finals my Junior year and I kind of literally blew it. It was hard enough taking the shit Alice and the other senior Bellas gave me, my dad tore into me about it. He told me that getting to the Finals had slightly validated doing acapella, but the disaster that happened on stage didn't just disgrace myself and the Bellas, but the Posen name.

After that I was really depressed. I wasn't interested in working out, reading, or singing. I spent my days in my room sleeping and watching stupid reality shows because they were the only things that made me feel remotely better about myself. About a week before school started, Chloe told me that I had to stop letting that one moment define my life and get back on my game so we could make it back to Finals and win. This lit a fire in me for the first time in months. It was what motivated me to get everything ready for the season. At the activities fair I knew that getting girls to audition would be tough and I knew it was all because of me, but I was able to shake it off. When auditions came around, I was relived that we had enough girls try out to fill all of the spots and even a bit encouraged when I saw some even had some talent.

Things only went downhill from there when fighting with you about the set list became a daily occurrence and ZBT was the disaster it was. I started getting depressed again, luckily Chloe could tell and let me vent every night about what was bothering me and would give me advice on how to deal with it. Having daily therapy sessions helped a lot and I started feeling better. I was relieved we got second at Regionals because it meant that we got to go on to Semifinals after how the season started. Then at Semis, when I saw how good the Footnotes were and knowing that the Trebles were going to bring their "A" game I knew that we didn't have a chance at taking first and second. Your outburst was a convenient excuse for me to use for why we didn't advance to everyone and everyone but my father believed it. He came here and told me that he was done with having to claim being the father of such a failure and had filed paperwork that morning to disown me. He cut me off from my trust fund and told me to pay for my schooling on my own. He told me not to try to contact anyone with my family or he would have me sued for harassment.

I literally broke down when he left because I had nothing. No family. No money. One friend. I didn't see a point to living anymore, so I wrote a letter explaining my decision. I went to the medicine cabinet and swallowed a handful of Tylenol before going to my bed to lie there and die. I didn't take enough and woke up to a bunch of yelling paramedics putting me on a stretcher and into an ambulance. Chloe came with and asked me why I did it and why I didn't talk to her. I was so out of it all I could say was "Pain end."

The next couple of days I had to spend in a mental institution. At first I thought it was horribly unnecessary, but it actually ended up being a good thing. I was kept with people who were depressed and had attempted suicide. The counselors there weren't judgmental, but really helped me find a job and scholarships to help cover the cost of my dad no longer paying for my schooling. Being in there wasn't ideal, but it was like I pressed a reset button. I knew I had to keep the note as motivation and a reminder.

When I got out, I started working as a tour guide as part of work-study and used my free time to catch up in my classes. Then I got the call that the Bella's made it to Finals, something snapped and I immediately saw this as my chance to prove myself to my father. I thought if we won Nationals, he would take me back and I'd finally have his approval. I wanted it so bad that I went back to my old, controlling self times ten. It was after everything happened after the first practice back that I realized I had to want to win for me, not to please my father. I gave you the pitch pipe and the rest is history."

Beca sat in shock at what Aubrey had just told her. "Babe, I had no idea. I'm sorry I was such a jackass last year. I thought you were just a control freak. I didn't know that things were that bad."

"Beca, it's ok. The only person who knew how bad things were was Chloe. And if you think about it, your not taking my shit is what saved me. Had you not, albeit very obnoxiously, voiced a need for change I probably would have had us continue with the usual set list and bored yet another audience to sleep during out performance. If that would have happened, I don't know what I would have done."

"So what you're saying is my being an obnoxious asshole saved your life?"

Aubrey just rolled her eyes, "Something like that."


End file.
